Making the Choice

I used to play a character named Jimmy James on the real-play podcast This Isn't Normal! (and I still make occasional appearances there).

A couple years ago, I wrote a short story about him. The key things you need to know:

1. Jimmy James is technically dead and is living in horrible desert in Hell.
2. You cannot die in Hell, but you still feel all the pain and suffering of injuries, thirst, and starvation. Dark, I know.
3. Jimmy James recently acquired a gun that could kill demons, the ruling body of Hell. His century-long girlfriend sacrificed herself for it.

Now you're caught up. And while this sounds dark (and this story will be), the actual podcast isn't very dark at all! It's a Lovecraftian Real Play Podcast that has been going on for 5+ years now.

If you like this, you might find it interesting, so check it out!

The heat blistered. His throat ached. His stomach screamed.

Nothing new.

Jimmy James looked over the plans once again. Halfway done in a few days. But the men were being worked to the bone.

He stood up and turned to look out the back window. At the edge of New Jamestown, he saw four guys. Greg and Willem for sure, maybe Carlos, and someone he couldn’t make out. He could tell they had slowed down a lot since lunch. He opened the window and started to yell out to them. Nothing but a dry breath came out. He wanted to give the order, to tell them they could stop, but he simply couldn’t. As much as he wanted them to take a break, to get some food, to rest up, they don’t have the time. The wall must be completed. When the time comes, they’ll need every defense they can muster.

Of course, that’s assuming that his prediction is right. And that he can actually get his part done.

He turned to the other side of the room and marched over to the window overlooking the Oasis. Sgt. Dawson patrolled the borders of the lake, as she did most days. A few people stood below the many canopies and the few trees, hiding from the sun. Others walked about, peddling their wares. A few hunters stopped at the weaponsmith to get some supplies before heading out on their trek. Several people waited in the heat to get their food and water rations for the day, with Bridgette working through the line as fast as she could.

James leaned out the open window. “Bridge! Get some water to Willem and the boys.”

She didn’t stop working, didn’t even look up at him as she continued about checking people’s Fracs and giving them their water.

“They were out of Fracs last we spoke, sir.” Short, respectful, and to the point. As always.

He turned to the back window. The builders clearly needed water. His reached into his pocket. Fumbling through, he pulled out three copper coins. He quickly scanned his office but already knew there weren’t any more. Three was less than he was hoping for, but it’ll have to do.

Turning back, he yelled down, “Watch the skies!” as he tossed them down, one by one. “Split them among the builders.”

Even at this distance, he could see Bridgette clench her jaw as she caught each one. “Sir –“ but he closed the window before she could. He saw her finish the sentence, but he didn’t want to hear it again.

He returned to the plans. He swung the build plans and timeline around to see it from the other side of the desk. The picture it painted was worrisome. Behind schedule, but already working as hard as they could. If he could just –

The door burst open. James swung around, whip in hand. Feet planted, he raised his hand, prepped to let loose a crack at whoever walked through.

Ish recoiled as he saw the reaction. He slowly backed away, back towards the door raising his hands to show he didn’t have anything. Jimmy, realizing what he was doing, relaxed his stance.

There was a long pause.

“You okay there, Jimmy?”

“Yeah. I’m fine Ish.” He cleared his throat, but the dryness turned it into a cough. Ish looked at him concerned, but Jimmy pretended nothing was happening. “Can’t be too careful around here.”

“Bridgette told me you gave your rations to the builders yesterday.”

It was good he hadn’t talked to her in the last few minutes. “Yeah. They were out there all day, and they didn’t have enough.”

“Jimmy, I get where you’re coming from, but you’ve got to stop doing that. I think it’s getting to you.”

James paused. He was sick of these conversations. Someone has to make these sacrifices, and it just makes sense that it has to be him. “I said I was fine, Ish.”

Ishmael sighed. He left a long pause, but James said nothing. Ish held, clearly waiting for James to release the tension. James just stared at him. He didn’t need everyone questioning him at every turn. He needed things done.

“Anyway...” The word hung in the air long after it left Ishmael’s mouth. “Back to why I’m here. One of the boys got word that Alejandro is planning a riot.”

James probably wasn’t as surprised as he should have been. “Why?”

Ish was shocked at the question. “Umm… because of the lack of food and water.”

James cleared his throat again, holding back the cough this time.

“One: no one plans a riot. They just riot. Two: there aren’t enough Hellians to really cause an issue. And three: we wouldn’t even be having this conversation if you had cracked down on them when I told you to.”

“We did, Jimmy.” Ish was stern and his teeth clenched. “But we found no evidence that Alejandro or Hellians were stealing food or water. We didn’t find evidence that anyone was stealing anything for that matter.”

James slammed his hand on the desk. “Well you clearly didn’t look hard enough!” He walked past Ish to overlook New Jamestown. “Someone is stealing from us, Ish. Someone is stealing from right out under our noses. And we are just letting it happen!”

Ish took a breath. He looked Jimmy in the eye. “We put safeguards in place. We track everything that comes in and out of our warehouses and began using Fracs to track ration handling. If they do steal from us, we’ll catch them.”

Jimmy held back a cough. He tried to wet his mouth as much as he could, but it was bone dry. He took a deep, pained breath.

“They’re bluffing, Ish. Let them riot. See how they feel once we lock them up.”

Ish just looked at him. Jimmy could see he wasn’t certain. He waited for an argument, but none came.

“Understood.” Ish clenched his teeth, turned on his heels, and left the room.

James sat down. He was very dizzy, but he forced himself to get back to the timeline. He took a deep breath. Focused on the blueprints. Looked at the timeline.

He could do this. They all could do this. They had to. He just needed to prep them. Get weapons and defenses. The quarry got them some metal, so they can build swords. Guns would be better though. If only they could find a gunsmith, then they –

A knock on the door.

“Jimmy James?”

He tensed up. He can never get anything done. He looked back at the builders, still toiling away and let out another painful sigh. “Come in.”

The woman walked in. It was Adelaide, the weaver.

 James switched on a fake smile and helpful voice. “Adelaide! What can I do for you?”

The next few hours continued the same. A moment here and there that was always stolen by something else. Usually another problem, usually with no satisfying solution. Jimmy had gotten used to the routine by now. He had gotten used to the exhaustion. The hunger. Even the thirst was manageable at this point. The lightheaded-ness was a newer issue, but he could manage that too. Probably.

After Morgan left, his problem with Karl’s cleanliness as solved as it possibly could be, Jimmy James took a deep breath and sunk into his chair. Another long day. Another day of interruptions. Another day of no progress.

He looked out at the builders. They were still going. They worked. Nearly every day in the blistering heat. He didn’t. He sat in his nice office, solving petty issue after petty issue. They were out there every day, earning their food and water.

He closed the blinds and turned away.

James locked the door. He needed a minute to himself. He removed his whip and gun, placing them on the table, followed by his belt. He slouched down in his chair.

He took another deep breath. Closed his eyes. Tried to shut out the world. When he opened them, he was looking right at the gun.

His gun. The only gun in town. The only gun that could kill a demon. It was his.

He lost so much for it. Janet.

Janet.

Janet.

She gave herself up for it. She’s gone. Forever. There’s no coming back from death after death. Right?

This place is sick and twisted. Horrifying. Stolas thought he would be happy here? No. No, he couldn’t have. Of course he didn’t. He knew exactly what he was doing. He did what all these demons do: toy with people, terrorize them, and then toss them to the side.

He looked back at the gun again. He could use it to kill a demon. He has used it to kill a demon. But he has his sights set on one. And everyone here will likely be tortured for it. Even worse than they are now. They would pay the price for his actions.

James looked at the plans again. The wall was unfinished and will probably stay that way. Everyone around is miserable. He tried to create a place to live here. A place to call home, to be safe. But no. He’s made wrong choice after wrong choice. People don’t trust his judgement anymore. He just orders people to work themselves to the bone, out in the sun, all day. He can’t even organize everyone to get enough food and water. If this were life, they would all be long dead. But no, they just continue to suffer.

And they’ll suffer even worse if he keeps going. And they won’t even understand why. They just don’t trust him anymore. And maybe they have good reason not to. What has he done for them recently? Ali figured out how to grow food in the middle of a desert in actual Hell. James can’t even figure out where the food is going, never mind who is taking it. And he’s got them working themselves to the bone building walls to protect against demons, as if that will ever do anything.

He’s a failure. He’s failed every last one of these people. Ish, Janet, everyone. They’ll turn on him sooner or later, and they have every right to do so.

Maybe he was never meant to lead them. He just got it in his head that he could do it. That he could be a hero. But he isn’t a hero, never has been. He’s nothing more than a fraud.

He looked at the gun again. It wasn’t worth it. Janet died for it. For him. Him. Why?

Maybe he wasn’t the reason she chose to go. It couldn’t have been. She found an out, and she took it. At the end of the day, she always made sure to take care of herself. And it’s not every day you get the choice to leave Hell.

He turned back to his desk. The gun still sat there. The gun that kills demons.

And if it could kill a demon…

A knock erupted at the door before he could take that thought any further.

“James?” The word took ages to finish, and it hung in the air for even longer.

Jimmy took another pained breath as he stood up.

“James? Are you there?” Her voice, even from behind the door, filled the room.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m here. Just… just give me one sec.” He didn’t have the energy to hide his exhaustion anymore.

He walked over to the door, grabbed the door handle, and took a long, deep, horribly painful breath. Finally ready, he opened the door.

“Hello James.”

A pause. Then, “Hi there, Danica.” Dressed in her usual purple robes, she had a basket in hand, covered with a rag. She stood there, with that very light smile that he had learned to see in her face. “Come on in.”

She entered, and he walked behind the desk. He refit his belt and holstered the gun. “What can I do for you today?”

She looked him in the eyes and cocked her head slightly. “I don’t think I’m the one who needs help today, James.”

He raised his brow. He didn’t have patience for riddles today. She moved herself closer to a chair before resting on the armrest.

“I’ve heard what you’ve been doing for the builders.” She paused and just stared at him. Jimmy James stood there, teeth clenched, saying nothing.

Danica eventually broke the silence. “That’s very kind of you.”

He sure didn’t see that coming. His face betrayed his surprise as his stance relaxed. He noticed that her gaze was much softer than usual. He was able to stumble out a “Well, uh… th-thank you.”

“You know how much we value giving at the church. Many of the flock give even when they don’t even have enough for themselves.”

“That’s very kind of them,” still struggling to recover from Danica’s rare praise.

“I agree. But you know what, James?”

“What’s that?”

“I would never do that.”

He was confused as to where she was going with this. “Okay… Why not?”

“Because I have a responsibility to my flock. To my people. I cannot give when I have not because they need me.”

Jimmy squinted at her. “They look to me, James. They look to me to guide them. And they need me to be clear minded, so I do not lead them astray.”  Jimmy’s gaze softened further. “They need me, James.” Her voice was less composed than usual, but she never broke eye contact. She took a deep breath. “And…” She let it hang in the air for a moment, composing herself.

“And we need you, James.”

They needed him?

The hot air of the desert suddenly felt very cold. Then his stomach pained. His throat screamed. All the pain he'd been avoiding for months, rearing its head. His knees buckled.

They needed him?

Then the dizziness. He tried to stay upright. He stumbled, barely bracing himself against his desk. He moved to the chair, slowly. Carefully.

They needed him.

He sat, slowly. He took his first breath—his first relaxed breath—in months. He looked at her. He wanted to say something. He didn’t know what to say. Even if he did, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get it out.

He just looked at her through sunken eyes.

She placed the basket on the desk. She lifted its cover to reveal three canteens, some bread, and a small cup of Goji berries. As she placed each on his desk, she revealed a large, beautiful, freshly cooked piece of meat. He was surprised he didn’t smell it when she entered. It was all he could focus on now. Despite the dehydration, he felt his mouth muster up all the saliva it could. He felt a single drop on his tongue.

“Take your time eating it. It’s been far too long that you’ve gone without food.” She reached into her robe and removed two Fracs. She looked him in the eyes, sternly this time. “Do not give these away, James.”

Jimmy James nodded as she placed them on the desk. “Th-thank you, Danica.”

She didn’t say anything, just looked at him with that nigh invisible smile. “Our church will also begin making regular donations to the builders. It won’t be much, but it should help.”

He smiled. Danica walked to the door. Just before she left, she looked over her shoulder. “My door is always open for you, Jimmy James.”

He smiled again. “Thank you.” He looked in her direction, but not directly at her. A weight lifted off his shoulders as he looked her in the eyes once more. “For everything, Danica.”

Danica closed the door behind her. He opened one of the canteens and drank as much as he could. He felt the warmth of the water go down his throat and fill his body. He turned his attention to the bread, ripping off a piece and eating it. It was divine. He struggled to swallow it, so he washed it down with more water. He felt the life begin to return to him.

He grabbed the meat and took a bite directly out of it. He was barely letting himself breathe between bites. He forgot how good the food here could be.

When he was finished, he took a deep breath. There was next to no pain this time.

He stood to look out over the wall again. It was dark now. The day shift builders had gone home, replaced by the night shift. They were almost halfway done. And if they could get the wall up, maybe – just maybe – they would have a chance.

He turned back to the Oasis. He could see some lights on in the pub across the water. Candlelight in the windows lit up the town like stars in the night sky.

This was his town. These people look to him. They all have to be here. They don’t have any choice in the matter.

Jimmy James envied them for it. But it was his job to make these sacrifices, not theirs.